This is the third time I’ve sat down at a keyboard to write this story. The first time was in October of 2010 and the second time was in September of 2013. And now today, July of 2017. The Lord has once again ushered us to taking the step of faith into battling my infertility. We recently learned that our third round of fertility intervention failed, and are anxiously preparing for round four.
So, as we wait and pray (and blog) in the hopes of a third child, I feel a little like a broken record. Except this record has a new melody each time it gets played.
You know that visual of a broken jar that gets put back together in order for the light to shine thru the cracks. And how the light would never have been seen if not for the brokenness. And how that’s God’s work in our lives. I love that visual. I love the fact that He makes beauty shine thru our weakness. So when I think about our infertility journeys, I visualize it as the same jar, being re-shattered and put back together with light shining thru from the old cracks and fresh light shining thru the new cracks. The Lord uses each piece of our jar to reveal more to us about Himself. Some painful and some so full of His love and protection.
About a year ago, the Lord began pressing it on our hearts that He may just have more planned for our family. We had suffered several losses on both sides our family and thru our grief, I began hearing His voice of promise. I began hearing Him remind me that while He is a God that takes away, He is also a God that gives. We stepped out in faith and so here we are.
I remember being three negative rounds into the journey the first time. I was disappointed and sad all the time. But mostly, I remember putting so much faith into the science. I remember how easy it was for me to take the Lord’s work out of the equation. And then He blessed us with our little brown eyed girl. When we found ourselves at that place the second time around, I clearly remember how angry I was at the Lord. After He was faithful to us the first time, why would He put us thru this again? I questioned Him a lot. I wondered why he could be so cruel as to make us go thru that again when He obviously could give us a child. How ignorant I was to assume God was being cruel to us. The timing of the birth of our second child was perfect. She came into our family at a time where we deeply needed that joy that can only come from a precious newborn. God proved His love for His people thru the perfect timing of her birth. I will always remember how it was a balm to our souls.
And so here we are. Three rounds in. Getting ready for round four. We’ve been here before. We’ve walked this road.
But we’re different.
If we’ve learned anything from God’s work in our family thru moving us to Wichita, it’s that His love for us is indescribable. And the way He chooses to prove that to us never comes how we would have planned.
It comes greater.
It comes bigger.
It comes better.
Will it feel greater, bigger & better at times? No. Will we get distracted by our selfish ambitions and our temporary needs. Yes. Am I exempt from those things just because I’m more mature now in my faith than I was 7 years ago? Of course not! Even right now I’m trying hard not to focus on how it would be really convenient for me if the Lord would just hurry up and provide us another child because I don’t want that big of an age gap between my babies. Oh how quickly we wander, amen? Bind my wandering heart to thee, oh Lord!
We are promised the security of His one and only plan for our family. And for that I rejoice. And for that I will praise Him in the waiting. And cling to Him in my wandering.
In all my sorrows, Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.In every victory, Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.Than any comfort, Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.More than all riches, Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.Our souls declaring, Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.And our song eternal, Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.